I often forget and am sometimes reminded (rather harshly) of how lonely of a person I inherently am. Not in a 'pray for me, help me find friends, wah-wah' kind of way but just in my nature I am always going to be a little lonely. I enjoy my own company and oftentimes prefer it, I have since I was young. And I have loved ones and friends but I don't see it in my reality of ever showing my whole self to someone. There are so many parts of myself that will never see the light of day and I enjoy it that way, it works for me. But in that, I often find myself having to isolate or hide from others so I can feel comfortable expressing my truest deepest self. 

    When I was a little girl, I was very self-critical. My mother has always told me that she could never punish me more than I would myself. Starting at the age of either four or five, when I found myself guilty of something bad, I would strip all of my blankets and pillows off of my bed and force myself to sleep on a bare mattress to pay for my crimes. I didn't tell anyone I did this, but I shared a room with my sister and even though I would only do it once I thought she was asleep, she saw and told my family. Even at that young of an age, I thought it best to take on my problems on my own. I've always hidden parts of me away. 

    I don't really know where I was going with this but I thought it was important to get out. 

 i think im asexual because why cant i connect with anybody?

 hellooooooo. been a minute. i've been super busy with work and aslo cleaning my house bc i had a bunch of friends over for the first time today. i had a little tooo much to drink because i was nervous if you couldnt tell. here is a picture. 

 boring day today :/ 

-syd

 I had a slow morning but the day actually turned into a pretty good one! I finished my Lucy Foley book that i will post a review of and started reading God of the Woods by Liz Moore which I am enjoying so far. I went grocery shopping for the first time in literal months because I'm broke this week and can't afford to be eating out, it's so nice to have food in the house for once. Also, I tried styling my bangs today in more of a side part and I think once I get the hang of it and how it lays, I will really like it. I think it's super cute. I was on social media a lot though. Definitely not as much as I have been in the past but for at least two or so hours which I want to cut down on. I can feel myself growing tired and bored of every useless video or picture that I see. When I feel the urge I try to play a game or go on Pinterest instead (I know, still social media but barely).  

P.S. I got a new phone!! No more broken front camera for me :)

Here is a picture of a funny guy I found in the Media section at work. 

-syd

 Today I feel like I will forever be screaming into an empty void that will never reach the ears of another. I think I need to leave my house. 

 Sophie and I are currently on a David Lynch binge so today we watched Mulholland Drive for the first time. It was very good but it did make me feel a little stupid because I didn't immediately understand it fully so I am going to watch some video essays about it and then we are going to rewatch it next weekend and hopefully feel better about it. 4.5/5 stars. 

-syd

About a month ago I went and played tennis with my best friend, I had never played before so my form was wrong and my shoulder came out of its socket when I tried to hit the ball (embarrassing I know). I managed to pop it back in myself and wore a sling for a few days after getting an x-ray and I was fine. Today I was sitting on my bed watching YouTube on my laptop when I reached across my lap to grab my phone and my shoulder came out again! What is going on?? This has never happened to me before playing tennis. I blame Zendaya for creating Challengers which gave us the dumb idea in the first place. 

 I got into a fight with my sister today. We were taking a walk around our neighborhood and started arguing so I went and waited on our porch (she wouldn't give me her keys) until she came back. She said she would finish the walk without me but she came back pretty fast so I think she lied. We haven't spoken since besides when I asked if she wanted to go get ice cream, she said no so I went across the street to a drug store and bought myself some strawberry mochi. I don't know how to not fight with her. She takes my standing up for myself as an attack on her intellect and I take her denial as inconsideration for my personal autonomy. Neither of us are willing to change. I think she is the head and I am the tail of the ouroboros. 

-syd

 hiiiiiii sophie i luv youuuuuuuu

My anxiety has been so bad lately that I have constant headaches from clenching my jaw. UGH!

Litany in Which Certain Things are Crossed Out

This is my favorite poem to ever exist, at least until this far in my life. The pacing and wording make me tap into the panic and regret I've felt over every action I have ever made.

-syd

Hymn to Beauty - Charles Baudelaire

This resurfaced for me recently and I will always love it. 

I got a haircut! 

I haven't had my hair professionally cut in years so it's nice. The people there (besides my stylist, whose name was also Syd!) were kind of standoffish though. 

-syd

 

    I notice, that even as I'm sitting here with no one reading this blog besides me, I am still worried about what others will think of it. I imagine years from now when I am famous from starting out as a blogger, dedicated fans of mine will look at my very first posts and talk about how I posted twice within one hour of me creating the blog. 

    That's so stupid. 

    Why should that possibly be a worry of mine? Why censor myself for things that don't exist? Why care about these imaginary people's imaginary thoughts? I'm not crazy and convinced that posting on a site with 0 followers will get me anywhere. This blog is for me. I am not writing this in hopes of people seeing it. I am not writing this with a goal in mind. I will write what pleases me and post as often as I want. No matter how much anxiety I have about the feelings of others, the others don't exist in this equation so they cannot win. I don't know why this is starting to sound like an encouraging monologue I give to my men in battle before I send them off to fight in Burgundy. But I am getting very tired of always thinking about the improbable and unforeseeable future consequences of my actions. 

    Anyway, I upped my Zoloft dosage so maybe that will help. 

-syd

This is new to me. I want to find ways to experience myself out of the public eye. So, a blog. Who looks at those anymore, anyway? Yes, this is public but no one will come looking for me. I am free to express my thoughts and actions publicly without any retribution or burning anxiety that makes my stomach hurt for three days. I am aware that I will most likely forget to update this and will probably go back to social media which unfortunately stays so close to my heart but trying new things is good for people. Here is a picture I took in the bathroom of a movie theatre yesterday. 

-syd