I love eating my iron gummies before bed because it makes my mouth taste like blood. 

 i had my first day, it was honestly pretty chill an i think i will like it.

 I start my new job tomorrow! I am feeling pretty nervous about it because I have basically no experience as a waitress, especially in a slightly more upscale place but I tend to learn quickly so it should be fine. 

 I have been having a hard time feeling like myself the past few months but tonight I did my makeup the same way I used to about a year and a half ago and I felt so much better. I could see myself in my reflection. It was a small change but it really helped me feel okay again. 

Just had a job interview for a waitress at a fancy Italian place near my house and it went really well! I hope I get it, the lady who interviewed me said that waitresses make up to $1000 a week there. she also told me she had brain cancer which was a weird thing to bring up but oh well. I am going back in tomorrow to meet with the general manager. 

 Books I read on vacation: 

Never Let Me Go - Kazuo Ishiguro 

5/5 stars

Glaciers - Alexis M. Smith

3/5 stars

Briefly, A Delicious Life - Nell Stevens

2/5 stars

I, Who Have Never Known Men - Jacqueline Harpman

4/5 stars

 Today is my birthday. I am twenty years old. I know in the grand scheme of things that is not very old but god does it feel like it is. I didn't do much today, got brunch with my mom, went to a creek with my sister, and got dinner with my dad and grandparents. My Grandma gave me a picture from when I was maybe 5 or 6 when my grandpa and I got our picture in the newspaper while attending a local mardi gras party. I have been wanting that picture for years, it was very sweet of her to give it to me. I never really thought that I would make it to twenty so seeing a reminder of how far I've come meant a lot more than I can express. I will post the picture one of these days. 

Do I look older?

 I am on vacation right now and my Autoimmune Disorder is having an awful flare up :( Also I quit my job and am looking for a new one. R kept coming in and I couldn't take it anymore. Here are some vacay pics. 

    It's been a second. I'm sorry. Lately, I have had to deal with some pretty hard things (mostly just one bad thing). Working at a bookstore we have a lot of regulars who are older, maybe 70's and up. One of these regulars, we will call him R, befriended me. We have similar interests in books and music and he seemed kind. His wife of over fifty years died last year. His children and grandchildren live far away. He was lonely I could tell. When he came in he would find me and we would have a short conversation while I ordered books for him and he would ask me about myself. 

    I'm not sure when exactly it started but at some point, he started complimenting my appearance. It was just small things about my eyes being a pretty color and that I had a nice smile. I assumed it was harmless, just an old man trying to be nice. Until he started coming in more often, almost every day when before it had been maybe once a week. He always sought me out. One day he came in and mentioned how he hates that he doesn't know if I will be there when he comes in and makes an offhand comment about switching phone numbers. Again he was lonely and I thought we were friends so I didn't think it was a truly ridiculous thing of him to say. I brush it off, I don't give him my number but don't think too much of it. 

    Until the next day when he came in and asked if we could ever get dinner and have a real, longer-than-five-minute, conversation. I told him I would have to think about it and would get back to him. I never had any intention of meeting him outside work but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. 

    Then he started asking my coworkers about me when I wasn't there. Asking if I was working. Asking when I would be working next. 

    Last Saturday I was putting away some books when he came up to me. At this point, I had been trying to distance myself while still maintaining a sense of professionalism so I was polite but much more guarded than I previously was around him. 

    He proceeded to tell me he was in love with me.

    I don't think I'm really ready to talk about what exactly happened. But I have felt like a piece of meat ever since. I know that this wasn't my fault and that I didn't deserve to be put in that situation but it doesn't really feel like that. I feel like I led him to believe that was an okay thing to say to me. I feel like it's my fault this happened. 

    I took a few days off of work. I told my managers and they have since talked with him. They said he acted embarrassed but not ashamed. He never apologized. 

    I am now back at work but it's different now. I feel like everyone who looks at me is sizing me up, trying to figure out what they could get away with before I give in or start screaming. It's hard to be nice to people, I'm scared they will see me the same way he does. He still comes in, now I just hide in the back office until he leaves. But I saw him for the first time again today, we made eye contact before I could turn and run the other way. 

    I hate that he has made me feel like this. I hate that I'm letting him make me feel like this. I hate that the job I love is now stained. I hate that the job I love now includes panic attacks in the bathroom. 

    I have been applying to new places, but I can't stop the fear that no matter where I go something like this will happen again. 

-syd